[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
You Might Also Like
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.