* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
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Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
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[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Sooo many times…..
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.