@XGroverX: Dora the explorers parents don't give any kind of shit about Dora. She's 7 and she's flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
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@LeonEarlgrey: So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she's just pregnant.
@AdamOfEarth: [Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire... Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness] Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
@meganamram: party idea: "DUI or IUD?" u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN'T divulge which
@AlexRogaski: Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I'm not here.