@XGroverX: Dora the explorers parents don't give any kind of shit about Dora. She's 7 and she's flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
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@SamClark_23: This girl sitting next to me gave herself an insulin shot in class yesterday & the girl next to her said “can you like not do that right now” she replied with “um no Debra I’d like to live”
@Serious_Law_Guy: Me: Your honor, he's not asking the witness any questions. He's just reading Harry Potter to the jury. Judge: Yeah, I'm gonna allow it.
@NaaN_Conformist: Back in my day, we didn't have iPads. If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
@AmishPornStar1: Teachers at the pre-school ask why I'm in a good mood in the morning... I'm like, "Duh...did you not see me just leave my kids with you?"