Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
You Might Also Like
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
when revenge coincides with naptime
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]