Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
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classic mixup
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I think I’ll stand
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside