Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
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A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
He wanted to make sure😂
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this