Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
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Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?