*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
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The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I think I’m having a stroke
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot