Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
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Get off my horse you stupid moon
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery