Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
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Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.