My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
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I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”