Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
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Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I’ll be mad as hell!
Mistakes were made
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
early stone age tool
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.