Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
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why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
They did not miss in the small print
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
me working on my assignments ^-^
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.