Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
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Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Day 2 of my diet
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
The days of good grammer has went
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.