Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
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I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Feel. He’s so soft.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym