Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
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girls literally only want one thing..
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman