Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
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Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low