Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
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Worth a try
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.