Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
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If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery