Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
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professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.