Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
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I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Chicago sounds lovely.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.