I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
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Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING