This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
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People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?