“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
You Might Also Like
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.