“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
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GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*