Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
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BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.