Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
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If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again