I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
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*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex