DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
You Might Also Like
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
So that’s what we looked like?
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
How to find Kentucky on a map
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Introverted vegans go meetless
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.