DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
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Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Two types of dogs.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Flowers bee like
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes