Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
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Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.