@chadchaines: "I just can't wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house." -Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

@bonehugsnirony: Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job. Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

@ArfMeasures: GF: I'm leaving with the kids if you don't stop pretending our house is a hospital ME: That'll be great, we really need the beds

@GABBYdaAngSaya: Me: *eating a Mars bar* Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

@Carbosly: The elevators aren't working and I work on the 10th floor. I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.