Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
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Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Aaaa…CHOO!
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.