Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
You Might Also Like
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I think this should do it.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*