Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
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[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Mornin
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
o shit
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?