DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
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I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
There are no pants in heaven.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
channeling her this year
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
2022 be like
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?