DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
You Might Also Like
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.