DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
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That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean