@DrDogMD: DR DOG: The vasectomy was a success. But until it's healed completely, you'll need to wear this *places cone around patient's neck*
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@imadepoopstoday: [job interview] "We feel that you just aren't quite mature enough for the position." It's the Velcro shoes, isn't it. "...yes."
@vanderheydensax: Me: Got any baby aspirin? Clerk: No, we're out Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye* Clerk: Sir– Me: DON'T RUSH THEM!
@HeyZeus666: My boss thinks being gay is a disease so I called in queer this morning. But I reassured him that I should be straight again by tomorrow.