DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
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When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Merry Christmas
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist