Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
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Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
When I said I liked it rough.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones