Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
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She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…