Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
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[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
choose your fighter
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
🤔😂😂
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.