Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
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For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.