Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
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men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
LMAO.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.