Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
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meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
How do dragons blow out candles?
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again