I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
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peak technology
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.