Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
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I miss getting my misinformation from less places
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now