Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
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{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
This will teach them to underestimate me
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
He just like my cat fr
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.