Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
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[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third