Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
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I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”