Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
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HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.